[ICE] i NEed tHE FUcKIng VoiCe BacK

this is all big bullshit
i need my voice back
life is hard enuff for me, and why cant it just be a lil easier
trust me, when you dont have you voice
you'll be living like shit!!!
like when u speak no one hear you
and people start saying that you are rude coz you dont respond to them
and when you are angry, not in the mood, depress...you cant show it...they just cant hear it
becoz THEY CANT HEAR THE FUCKING EMOTION FROM YOU?
WHY??
WHY??
YOU ASKING ME WHY??
BECOZ I'M DAMN MUTE YOU BITCH!!!
just becoz they cant hear you, they call you rude for not replying...was i really not replying
they told you, that you are emotionless coz you dont reply to them...you dont care bout them
was it really??
WAS IT REALLY?????
HELL NO!!!
the reason is simply becoz you dont hear it..
YOU DONT HEAR ME!!!!
GET OFF FROM ME!!
SICK OF THIS!!!!

[ICE] tIRed oF beINg Me

when i'm sad,i didnt show it,

when i'm depressed, i hide it,

when i'm scared,i pretend that i'm not,

when i'm worried,i faked that i'm fine,

when i get lonely,i danced it away,

when i'm angry,i laughed it out loud,

pretentious?

yeah, maybe i should stop it,

even becoz i hide it,fake it,dont show it,

doesnt mean that i am ignorance and have no feelings,

dont judge me,

we may live together 24 7,

but we actually are strangers to each others' heart.

0833/20090810

[ICE] ...

with great POWER, comes great EVIL

[ICE] hOPe

Never go gloomy, man with a mind,
Hope is a better companion than fear;
Providence, ever benignant and kind,
Gives with a smile what you take with a tear;
All will be right,
Look to the light.
Morning was ever the daughter of night;
All that was black will be all that is bright,
Cheerily, cheerily, then cheer up.

Many a foe is a friend in disguise,
Many a trouble a blessing most true,
Helping the heart to be happy and wise,
With love ever precious and joys ever new.
Stand in the van,
Strike like a man!
This is the bravest and cleverest plan;
Trusting in God while you do what you can.
Cheerily, cheerily, then cheer up.

Author Unknown

star of bethlehem

[ICE] hAvE YoU EveR MIsSEd YouRSeLf??

mazliana boggoshipda~~~

since i went through the thyroid operation last june, i've been facing this so called temporarily mute condition...though i might not be totally mute, though i can speak with others, as long as they pay attention to me, willing to wait for me to utter my whole sentence that i might need to break into 4 short phrases as it consumed a lot of my energy and breath to speak like normal people, as long as others can stay quite for awhile just so that they can hear what i want to say, then we will be communicating
but you, i, won't be listening to me... it feels like its not me... this is not me... this is not my voice...i am trapped inside my body. my voice stuck at the end of my tongue thus my throat had to push someone else to speak it on behalf of me. there's another person inside of me, the one that has been speaking on behalf of me for all this while before i get myself back. thats the voice that you'll be hearing
where did i left me?? on the operation bed?? inside the operation room?? at the hospital ward???
i lost me. i miss my voice. i miss me.
the me that love my own voice.
the me that love to sing even if it is just to myself

mazliana
please
i beg you
come back~~~~~~

[ICE] FaLSe HopE

when i'm not hopping, people gave me hope, but when i started to hope, the hope gone. now tell me, can i break down? coz i really feel like going to~~~

[ICE] sEArchINg fOR TrOUblE @ cari pasal

it was there
the freedom was there
the long lame life that i enjoy spending every minute of it with my dearest unable to complaint laptop
but i pushed the freedom away

***************************************************

well don't you want to know what it is?
LATER!

daaaaaa

[ICE] Have You Ever Been Stalkered??

If you asked me, the answer is YES!!
Last night, I mean early this morning, I watched a Korean variety show called Star Golden Bell, and in one of the show, one of the guests talked about stalker.
At that very moment, I got a cold shiver, as I suddenly recalled of my high school life in SMK Dato Seri Maharaja Lela. Its a complete chilling and scary story even for me to write it here. You might not feel the same thing as I feel, because the only way for you to know it, is to be in the situation. GIVE A MILLION RINGGIT!!! Still I would not risk my life to return to that era.
The whole thing started one breezy morning at SMKDSML sports field. I was in 1..........*I cant recall the name of my class...HERK!!!!* Walking together with my classmates, we walked to the field. Well well well.... Its my first PE lesson in high school, with mind set that I am going to fish some of the senior boys, we walked 'beautifully', with grace and smile 'splattering' along the way. To make it short, 'I have fished the wrong fish'.
Certainly, I dont know about it at first, other than being joy and proud that managed to victimized one of these males, until this boy wait for at the gate every morning, wait for me at the hallway when I'm on my way back, bring my class attendance book every morning 'although it actually is my class rep job', and the most scary things are, he skipped class only to stand at a far place, that is straight to my seat in class just so that he could stare at me. Now, the scary story begins, when he also followed me wherever I go, to the canteen, dressing room, lab, toilet, etc.
~~The End~~

I believed you dont really scared of the whole thing didnt you?
But believe me, its a true story.

[ICE] My Current State

Its 2.56 am right now, but i'm still wide awake. Tak banyak bende yang boleh dibicarakan melainkan kondisi kesihtanku yang tak menetu. Puncanya hanya satu iaitu kebengkakan pade kelenjar tyrod. Pada yang tak tau, kelenjar tyrod tu letaknya d tekak, berdekatan dengan peti suara kita semua. Kenapa? Apa puncanya? Kata doktor, puncanya adalah kelenjar tyrod ku ini uber active. Seperti mane yang semua sedia maklum, benda benda dalam badan kita ni saling berkait. Jadi, sebagai akibatnya jantung aku ikut speed tyrod, menjadika aku mudah penat. Kata doktor zakaria, kat ipoh specialist u, kadar tenaga dan penafasan aku berjalan kaki adalah sama dengan berlari. Because of that jugak, badan sentiasa panas. Mandi dekat 5 6 kali sehari. Ada makcik ni, ang juga mengalami menda yang sama, dia punya panas, sampai ade masenya affect kepala dia. Ada masenya macam nak gila...
Apa yang ak boleh kate adelah..............WOOOOOOOOOOOOW! HEBATnya penyakit aku ni~

[ICE] A Song of My Life; Rainy Night

Rainy Night - ==

ROMANISATION
Composer:Kim Junsu
Lyricist:H.U.B
Arranger:Park Yoochun , h-wonder

Rain in my heart..
Mou yamanai namida wa TONIGHT
Kimi ga saigo ni nokoshita
Hakanai wasuremono no you ni
I MISS YOU..

Kimi no inai sekai wa yami ni furuete
Nee~ subete yume nara ii no ni
Aitakute ohh MY GIRL
Aenai wake wa kimi no sayonara wo
Kikitaku nakatta kara
BABY I STILL LOVE YOU

Mou nakanaide itsumo YOU'RE CRYIN' BABY
Sonna tokoro mo SO SWEET
Ima wa boku janai dareka ga Yeh
Namida wo nugutterundane

Dakedo kimi ga suki da yo wasurerarenai
Omoide no naka dake ikiteru
Kono omoi FOREVER dakishimeta hi no
Kimi no kaori zutto karada wo hanarenakute
BABY I STILL LOVE YOU

Hazusenai mune no KUROSU ni kizanda sono namae
Baby you're my love

Kimi no inai sekai wa yami ni furuete
Nee.. subete yume nara ii no ni
Aitakute OH MY GIRL
Aenai wake wa kimi no sayonara wo
Kikitaku nakatta kara

Ima mo kimi ga suki da yo
BABY I STILL LOVE YOU
Wasurerarenai

Omoide no naka dake ikiteru
Kono omoi FOREVER
Yamanai ame ga boku no kokoro dake
Kagirinaku nurashite mo
I CAN'T SAY "GOODBYE" CAUSE I LOVE YOU

---

TRANSLATION

Rain in my heart,
The tears won't stop, tonight
In the end, you left me behind, like something temporarily forgotten...
I miss you

* This world without you trembles in the dark
It'd be nice if this was all just a dream
Though I want to see you, oh my girl
The reason I can't meet you
Is because I don't want to hear your goodbye

Baby I still love you

Don't cry anymore,
You're always being a crybaby
And even that part of you is so sweet
Now someone else, not me,
Is wiping away your tears

But I love you, you're unforgettable
Alive only in my memories,
This feeling is forever
Your scent from that day we embraced will never leave my body
Baby I still love you

I can't take it off, this cross on my chest with your name engraved on it
Baby you're my love

* Repeat

Even now, I love you
(Baby I still love you)
You're unforgettable

I'm just living in memories
This feeling will last forever
Even if ceaseless rain falls on my heart alone,
Eternally drenching it
I can't say "goodbye" cause I love you

[ICE] MiNGu NAk ABes SeM nIH~~

pernah tak
korang terfikir
ape yang korang percaya selama ni
apa yang korang itu seme betul
rupa-rupanya tipu belaka
kawan yang korang rase memahami korang
kawan yang korang ingat dia suke kat korang
kawan yang korang rase boleh bergantung harap
kawan yang korang fikir tak akan berkira ngan korang
kawan yang korang harap akan kekal jadi kawan korang
rupa-rupanya tak suke kat korang
tak pernah mengalu-alukan korang
malahan berharap korang tak datang menjenguk ke muka pintu
ape perasaan nya kalau menda gitu jadi kat korang
alhamdulillah...
mende tak jadi kat aku
tapi jadi kat rumate aku
aku....seme orang pun tak suke kat aku...
so, aku tak kisah kalau nak menambah satu dua lagi orang yang suke kat aku
buak koleksi
best woooooooooooo
tapi...rumate aku ni, baik orang nye....berhati lembut...
so, dia agak tak leh terima, bila seme ni jadi ke dia....
kalau aku, aku tak amek pot pun...lanatak ko la nak tak suke ngan aku...aku makan pakai duit aku sendri...sewa bilik pun bayo pakai duit aku sendri...
tapi sebab rumate aku ni....dah lame berkawan 'baik' ngan orang yang dia ingat itu kawan baik dia
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaih....
dah dekat nak grad ni..
memacam orang tunjuk perangai...
maybe ni dugaan dari Allah s.w.t
nak menguji dalam mane persahabatan dan kasih kita pada kawan,
tapi banyak yang kecundang
mungkin aku bukan dalam golongan yang kecundang,
kerana aku jugak bukan golongan yang berjaya
cume golongan yang cube untuk meneruskan hidup, selagi jantung masih berdenyut,
kalau dah berhenti nanti, habisla cerita
takkan ade sape yang sedih, yang mengenang
mungkin mak abah
tapi aku selalu sakitkan ati mak abah
so, mungkin derg menarik napas lega kot...
mane la tau....hahahaaaaa

[ICE] faking life

yesterday....as soon as i woke uo from my sleep..i have diz...donnoe how to explain...
u noe ...some days...some times...we just feel...everything is wrong...everything is dissapointing ...no trace of light or any drops of laughters
and if possible...
if this life just like all those electric appliances..or maybe this laptop...i'll definitely shut it down...take the cabel of the plug...take the charger away from laptop...

foy one moment...i wish...i sould go away....far away....where no one knows me...
i just cant take it anymore...cant go through it...
i'm not blaming anyone...its me...
me and myself....
i dont want to affect others...for i love my friends....and they are the only friends that i have in this world..

but i am scared i mite

i wanna go back..

go back to my hometown...spending times with my family....like the old days...when nothing seems to trouble...
i dont want to have any relations with all the things in the world...

leaving to a far away land...

where i can spend my time with my family...and my dearest friends....
away
away from the reality....
but how sure i am that my friends and families will be following me..

to the calm yet meaningless land

becoz all this experiences that make us human...

that is what called as living

for all this time

i pretend to be happy with the life that i lived in....pretend that i dont mind...pretend that its ok

acting...its all acting...pretending...fake...
but aint that what all of us do everyday everytime we live of life in this world??

aaaaah...maybe not...maybe its me...alone...
i shudnt be here....this is sooo wrong...

[EVENT] XiaH jUNsu 22nd BIrTHdaY ceLEBratiOn

To my lovely sabang, Kim Xiah Junsu;

Aaaaaah..this might be too late, since your birthday is 15 December, still i wanna wish you a very happy birthday. You're turning 22 already, thou in korea you are 23. i was kinda lazy..nooo..busy, yeah..the word is busy, promoting all over soompi, imeem and friendster, searchng as many people as i can to make the volunteey activity with malaysia national zoo a success *because we need at least 50 peole to join the activity i order to make it*, but sadly your buin here had failed to do so... waaaaaaaahahahahaa....*sobbing*. as soon as people hear it a 'working' activity many turn away... although there are quite many people who really want to do it....cant really blame them..since many of your fans are highschoolers, so its quite hard for them to get permission from their parents, since many of them are living far from the place where we planned to carry out the volunteery....so, i failed it....forgive me.*your buin is totally incapable of being a leader* wuhuhuuuhu

lets leave all the rant behind, and let me wish you for your birthday, since i dont know what are your wish for this birthday, but for me;

- i sincerely hope that you will be happy in any things you do, i know that being DBSK must be fulled with responsibilities, but if you do it with all your heart, you'll definitely found the happiness in it...it may be tough, i may be hard, to certain point you might think of giving up and start doubting whether this is really the life that you want, well i dont have the answer and i have no rigt to answer it on behalf of you, but stay strong because good things will come at any times we might never expect it....

- i also wish that you'll be blessed with good health so that nothing would stop you from doing what you want and striving for your dreams...because i know, if something happened to you, the rest of the members will also emotionally sick..soo, take care of your health, because i am far and can't get to you....eat healty foods and if possible, dont eat too many fried chickens, that s full with cholestrol, not good for your lung...also, you habit of eating fast, aigoo..sabang, thats also very very very bad habit, slow down and enjoy the food slowly...the food wont run away *unless it is stole by changmin, then i cant say anything* hahahahahaahaaaaa

- i wish that dbsk will continue being a great group, loved by everyone *except the antis..* because of the talents that all of you have, because of your good personality and image, because of your kindness and love, because of your down to earth attitude although all of you are on top asia, and definitely because of the voice that sway all the heart that listens to it....all of you are definitely born to the earth to sing...trust me, listening to all of you singing together, talking and laughing, crying and bragging *hahahhaaaaa*, give many people strengths and lighten the days...to certain extend, without you knew it, all of you becoming the reason why live the life to the fullest and not willing to give up, seeing all of you working so hard, day and night, sacrificing your privacy and your life, all of us can just sit and do nothing but only listen to your voice, but we too wil work hard, for our life, with the strength that you gave us...tanx

- wishing you all the best for the coming 2009, bet many things had been planned and i'll be anticipating it.....

once again, i want to wish you, a very happy bithday.... *mmuah*

[ICE] maYBe i SHouLD tRY tO Be SoMEonE eLSe

if i can turn back time...maybe...to the time when i was 15 years old..yeah... i wish i could go back to the time...i'll try my best to make sure that when turn to this age, i wont be me...simply because there is nothing about me that i'm impressed, or should i say, if you know me, believe me, there wouldnt be anything about me that you'll be impressed...but wait!! yaah..you'll find one. you'll be impressed how in the world there is not a single thing about me as a human being that you could be impresed with...simply because i am nothing!! unworthy!! maybe i shouldnt actually be born...if i could turn back time....i'll make sure

1) i'm a good daughter to both my mum and my dad..as i am the only daughter, they must have high expectation towards me the day i was born and along the times they grown me...but i guessed they dont have that expectation anymore...they must have accepted the fact that their daughter aint like other people's daughter...they must be embarrased of having me as their daughter and the oldest child...i'm a spoiled girl, but trust me, its not my parents fault at all...its not.
2) i'll be a good sister to my three younger brothers, show them good examples, lead them and play my role as a sister that they can rely on...i'm sorry to my younger brother, the one who was born 4 years after me, he is my younger brother, but because of me...he as to carry out the responsibility of the oldest child since i did not...i'm sorry
3) i'll study hard and make both of my parents proud of me...i wont waste their money...they spend a lot of money on me, especially when i said it is for schooling and studying purposes..not once they declined it...but i'm simply a child who didnt feel grateful for all my parents sacrifices and loves
4) i'll be a good muslim so that i wont burdened my parents...since they are my parents and they are responsible on what kind of muslims i turn into...i must have burdened them with my loads of sins....mum..dad...i'm sorry.....
5) i'll lead a brave and confident life, heading forward and striving for my dream of involving in art and stage performant
6) i'll be a good citizen of the country and contribute towards the country that accept me to live in it thou till now i didnt do much for it

but i'm sorry...i'm no longer a 15 years old girl...there is nothing that i could do to change who i am now...its too late...too late...as a muslim i know, the only life we will have after this is the after life....i know as a muslim, this life on this very earth ground is our only chance, before we return to our creator, to be judge for all our doings for the rest of our life...i must be a bad girl...will deffinitely be punished....

i'm sorry....i really am...sorry....

to both my parents...my brothers...my best friends *from my side you are my best friends*...my friends who have been together with me all this while....for everyone who knows me...

i'm sorry...and i love all of you~~~

[ICE] iS tHErE aNY wAYs LiFE coULd Be BEttEr ThaN ThiS

greetings to everyone who is currently reading this~~~~~~~~~~~~

WELCOME TO THE BLOG WHERE I WRITE ANYTHING I FEEL TO WRITE and please…. if you don’t like it…..GO AWAY!!!

i don’t need any bashers and haters….as i am no one… so don’t waste your time on me…. i appreciate it, but no need.

some may know me as blackelement a.r while others know me as ICE

‘blackelement a.r’ is the widely used username that i registered in any sort of online forumming world and sites like this…but for people who share the same ‘interest’ and ‘obssesion’ with me normally called me ICE

hmm…drop the question on why i used the name please…cause i don’t bother to answer it. but let me give you some hints… the names are based on my personality and first impression that i normally gave to others *in fact after the second, third, fourth times you might still have the same impression about me*

but ey~~~~ don’t get me wrong….i’m a nice girl *depends on the situations*. i do have mood swings,but most of the time i’m a friendly next door girl *try me!*

i was 10 of september 1985, afternoon…..so now you know how i get my image and character don’t you? *since you already know my birthday, i’ll be expecting lots of gifts and wishes for the next coming birthday, or i’ll haunt you down*. born, growing and still living in the land of hypocrisy under the sky of greed… here i am MAZLIANA ABDUL RAHMAN. *the name is after my dad’s ex-girlfriend in case you interested to know*. i was supposed to be named AMELIA *mum loves it, but no thanks* no offend to any amelias out there…just that i found the name doesn’t suit me at all….* i picture amelia as someone cute and loveable* which i am obviously not! if you are ‘good in math’ you’ll know that i am 23 now and proud of it!!

i love music and it rules my life…its THE ONLY source of my energy to continue inhaling the ‘full of VITAMINS and NUTRITIONS’ air of Malaysia. i isten to all kind of music, from emo to sweety candy types *depending on the mood, situation ad atmostphere that i want to create at the moment.

PROUD BEING A CASSIOPEIA AND ALSO A BIGEAST!

if you know what i mean.